Why it is not polite to ask if someone is pregnant...

This article is a long time in the making.  Honestly, I needed to get to a healthy place before I wrote it or it would have simply been an emotional, irritated ranting that although would be entertaining would have likely lost the effectiveness. 

I write this public service announcement to help everyone involved.  I personally have experienced that pain of poorly timed comments and questions about my tummy and I deal with hundreds of women who have been seriously wounded by these comments.  Also, I honestly believe MOST people have no intention of being hurtful with these simple questions... but they are hurtful. So in an effort to help all of us, I have finally decided to give everyone some simple etiquette help in the ultra sensitive area around asking someone if they are pregnant.

Many of us have been on one side or the other of questions like this...

"Oh... when are you due?"

"I did not know you were expecting, how far along are you?"

"Are you pregnant?"

"Congratulations... you look like you are having another baby?"

"Wow, look at you!  You have one on the hip and another in the belly" (My personal favorite as this was said to me by the produce guy at the store 1 week after I lost my 5th baby)

First of all, there are MANY reasons why someone may look like they are expecting when they are not.  If you were asked if you were pregnant when you are not, essentially someone is telling you that you look fat, that you have not "bounced back" like you "should" or that you look exhausted.  I do not care what culture you are from, none of these comments are polite or necessary. 

Women can "look" like they are expecting for many reasons.  You may have not thought of some of these reasons, but many now you will.
 
Perhaps...

1) They just had a baby in the past few months.  (Unlike TV, most bellies cannot stretch to 10 times its size and just disappear over night.)

2) The delivery could have been difficult, and/or the baby could be challenging both of which lead to a longer birth recovery time.

3) They could have just had a miscarriage or lost a baby. ( I personally lost 5 babies and was asked repeatedly after each when I was due only to have to share with perfect strangers over and over again that I just lost a baby.)

4) They have separated their abdominal wall. Diastasis recti is a condition that is especially common in post partum mothers where the abdominal muscles stretch and separate causing the organs to protrude through and leaving the mother looking pregnant far after delivery.  This condition leads to many other health issues that propetuate the frumpy mom appearance. Core Rehab is needed to help repair this, it is not simple about working out and eating better.

5) They have simply chosen not to purchase "in-between" clothes so they are still wearing some larger maternity items as their body slowly returns to prepregnancy clothes size.

6)  Their body (like most women) has shifted and looks different as a mother than it did prior to motherhood.  Against the strong media influence, most women develop and maintain more curves and softness in their bodies as they age and become mothers. This is not a failure it is simply a fact.  It does not mean you have "let yourself go", it means your body has shifted as it needed to to provide for a baby.

7) They are in the midst of fertility treatments that can often make you bloated and distended.  But if you are not pregnant but have been trying to get pregnant, reminding people that you are not there yet is not a highlight of your day.

8) Many other reasons...

Of course, many of us have some weight to lose and often it is very difficult to lose weight as a new mome and when the kids are little.  But most of America has some weight to lose and we still don't go up to people in the grocery store and say that.  Imagine, seeing a man from the office at Safeway that has put on a few pounds and placing your hand on his belly and saying "oh...I didn't know you were gaining weight"... It would never happen.  Or walking up to that older woman from chruch and saying "I thought you would have lost that belly by now...what have you been doing with yourself?"  That would be horribly rude and inconsiderate.

At the Tummy Team we are passionate about helping women take care of themselves.  We know that the strength and health of the mother will set the tone for the entire family.  In no way are we saying it is okay to completely ignore your body.  However, the extreme demands on new mothers physically and emotionally combined with the extreme pressure of society, friends, family and media to physically look perfect post postpartum is damaging and unhealthy.  I can guarantee you, NO ONE wants to look pregnant when they are not.  But there is often more going on than people know.

Now, to be fair, as hurtful as these comments can be to women.  In MOST cases people do not intend to be hurtful. In MOST cases, people are simply curious or careless.  Curiosity is normal, however, it is not always polite.  Simply think, is this information that I need to know?  Is this someone I know well enough to ask this question?  Carelessness is another matter.  Careless words can cause long term pain.  Simple guidelines, again, is this information that I need to know?  How well do I know this person?  Do I know if they have had a baby recently?  Do I know if they have had any medical issues recently?  Do I know anything about this person that would make it okay to ask this personal question?

If the answer to these questions are no, then you really have no business asking.  I know that may be uncomfortable for you.  We sometimes simply need to know.  But as bad as it feels to be asked these questions, it is often mortifying to have asked the question only to hear that no they are not pregnant.  You feel (or should feel) horrible, when you realize you basically just told some sweet mom she looks fat or brought up some painful wound in someone you cared enough about to ask a very personal question. 

If you simply cannot help yourself.  You HAVE to know.  You cannot control your curiosity.  You cannot mind your own business.  If this is is the case, then this is the proper way to ask what you are dying to know.

"Are you planning to have any more children?"

Yes, this remains a very personal question. By asking this question, you are essentially asking someone about their fertility, the family plans, their hopes, their desires, and more.  However, it allows the person being asked to answer in less painful ways...

Perhaps they will say...

" Maybe, but I just had a baby 2 weeks ago so it is too soon to think about that."

"We would like to but we are not sure"

"Yes!! I am actually 5 months pregnant now!"

"Nope we are done.  Our youngest is 10 year old."

All of these answers can give you enough of the answer you are looking for, with minimal pain to both the the person asking and the women being asked.

The pressure for women to conform to a specific body type and to size continues to be overwhelming.  The desire to be beautiful and look good it ingrained in us as women.  It is the definition of beautiful that needs to be addressed.  Many men will say that their wives have never been more beautiful than when the were holding their newborn baby for the first time.  (I can tell you by outside standards this is not our prettiest moment.) It is the internal beauty that is radiating through the mother at that time that is so impacting.  It is the love, the sacrifice, the nurturing that radiates the beauty.

So before you ask... THINK.  What do you really want to know?  How is your question going to be received?  Are you simply wanting to embrace the joy of new motherhood?  Be a part of that miracle potentially growing inside of someone?  I get that.  It can be exciting and magical.  But your question can also cause deep wounds reinforcing feelings of failure, insecurity and unattractiveness and more. 

If you are struggling with some of the issues addressed above that are contributing your tummy not healing, The Tummy Team can help you.  We have a clinic that specializes in healing tummies in Camas WA and a very effective online program.  Call our office for help.  360-952-CORE.